Aries: Good things are coming your way. Unfortunately, they are in a truck, and they won’t be slowing down.
Taurus: Expect a major change in your future. Also, you may as well sell all of your shoes. You won’t be needing them by the end of the week.
Gemini: The stars think you should collect a few trillion cubic feet of hydrogen and compress it until it fuses into helium. Hey, it worked for them.
Cancer: The orbit of the moon favors monetary transactions this week. Of course, the orbit of the moon also favors the platypus mating cycle and coastal flooding.
Leo: The stars are sorry, they are not home right now. Leave your name, number, and a short message and they will get back to you.
Virgo: The position of Venus indicates that now would be a good time to kick that bad habit you’ve been worried about. But come on, seriously, are you going to let a planet tell you what to do? Quit letting the cosmos push you around!
Libra: Being too nosy will lead you to experience a profound sense of Deja Vu. Success in your career is in your future, so ask about that raise.
Scorpio: Get fifteen pounds of tuna, a gallon of midnight blue latex paint, and a pitchfork. When the time comes, you’ll be glad you did.
Sagittarius: While it is true that the Black Plague is not very common anymore, your idea for a diseased rat eating contest is still ill advised.
Capricorn: Being too nosy will lead you to experience a profound sense of Deja Vu. Success in your career is in your future, so ask about that raise.
Aquarius: Your lucky numbers are 15 8 35 20 7 and 11. Unfortunately, those are also the lucky numbers of the 500 million people who are also Aquarius, so even if you win the lottery, you are only going to get a nickel.
Pisces: He who hesitates is lost… … … okay, that’s it. You’re lost.