Aries: If you like railroad spikes through the temple, you are going to love Thursday. If not… watch out for hobo Bob.
Taurus: A Scorpio is gonna get all up in your face about a girl. Be ready for
him. An aluminum baseball bat upside the cranium ought to shut him up.
Gemini: Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will acquire the nickname “noodles” and a new found respect for street sweepers.
Cancer: Good news! No one saw you take the necklace, you are in the clear! Now go sell it! Before Gina gets suspicious.
Leo: Ferrets have the jaw pressure of a pit bull and the spinal flexibility of a snake. Remember that before you give little Binky that surprise you’ve been planning.
Virgo: LOOK OUT! IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, IT IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU! GET OUT BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!
Libra: An incident with a tennis racket, a slinky, and a pair of fuzzy dice will lead to one of the most humorous x-rays of all time.
Scorpio: Dude, Taurus was totally checking out your girl. Don’t take that crap! Be a man! Step up!
Sagittarius: The stars think you should try a new hobby. Something impressive. Chainsaw juggling, or glass eating. And if you are no good? Just remember, thumbs are over rated, and intestines are for suckers. The important thing is, you tried.
Capricorn: In retrospect, “must enjoy the taste of human flesh” was a poor addition to your personal ad.
Aquarius: You should be less concerned about who has been using your toothbrush, and more concerned about what they have been using it for.
Pisces: The world will owe you a debt of gratitude when you finally prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that spontaneous human combustion is indeed a reality.