Regular readers of the site may recall a brief academic musing on the subject of vampires and giraffes. I came to the conclusion, as any thinking man would, that giraffes are bitten by vampires constantly, but they die when the sun comes up thanks to the lack of shade and long-necked coffins. A short time ago, however, I discussed this with some colleagues while consuming what is almost certainly a dangerous amount of meat. (I am convinced that “Rodizio” translates to “Let’s see if we can kill this fat guy with pork alone.”) After I had poisoned their minds with my own theories, a number of opposing theories were produced. Further research has yielded some interesting results.
First, pull up a picture of a giraffe’s head. I promise not to say anything interesting while you do. Thumbnail… Grass growing… the color Beige… good. Now, the first thing you will notice about the head is those horns. I ask you, what purpose could they serve? Are we to believe that a giraffe is going to lower his head and charge with those things to fend off predators? Pfff. Sure they are. You and I both know the only result of that would be a lion with a bruise and a quadriplegic giraffe. What could they be for then? Well, what is missing from a giraffe’s head that could identify it as a vampire? Fangs. Now, it could still be a vampire if it could retract its fangs, but where would they go? That’s right! In the horns! So, our first piece of evidence is proven.
Now let us think about that neck. The giraffe has one of the largest neck to body ratios in the animal kingdom. The only higher one is the snake, which – without a body – has a neck to body ratio of infinity. And what else does a snake have? FANGS! So we are beginning to see an evolutionary trend here. After considerable research, which involved countless bags of cheetos and a great deal of sitting on the couch with a finger up my nose, I have been able to produce this evolutionary sequence. Snakes – Dragons – The Loch Ness Monster – Al Roker – Giraffes. Thus, it is conclusively proven that not only are there vampire giraffes, the FIRST vampires were giraffes.
I sense a bit of doubt. You want more proof? Fine. What is the only vampire animal we know of for sure? Bats. Now I ask you, could a human vampire have made a bat into a vampire? Of course not! They fly way up high in the air! In order for something to bite a bat, it would have to have a really long neck… you see what I am getting at? Now, as for the sensitivity to the sun, obviously that is a weakness introduced by humans. Want proof of that? Fine. Humans get sunburn… ever see a giraffe with sunburn? I rest my case.
So there you have it. An ancient mystery solved over a pile of assorted roasted meats in scenic Newark, NJ. I hope these last few paragraphs have convinced you to stay the heck away from giraffes. Remember, they are a member of the snake family, so they can strike in the blink of an eye. Just like Al Roker. And when they do, you will be stricken with the unquenchable thirst for blood. Just like Al Roker.