Vampires of the Savanna

Every now and then I think about vampires. Well… not EVERY now and then. More like every other now and every third then. On one such a occasion, at the time it was a now, it is now a then, I came upon a question to which a satisfactory answer was not readily apparent. You see, we know that vampires suck blood. That much is clear. We also know that, from time to time, they will drink the blood of rats if there are no people about. It is also known that they like to bite people’s necks to suck the blood. Now, here is the question. Where to they bite the rat? Have you seen a rat’s neck? Pretty small target.

It got me thinking. If the neck is such an attractive place to bite, why aren’t there more vampire giraffes? Those things are pretty much all neck. Not to mention the amount of blood they have. Now I am not suggesting that they are a feasible replacement for people, but you have to imagine that, if given a chance to bite a giraffe, a vampire would be hard pressed to resist. It would like if there was a type of deer with a naturally occurring bull’s eye on its side. Now, given the sheer size of the planet, and the fact that giraffes are pretty popular zoo fare, one would imagine that at least one would have some mysterious bite marks on its neck by now. It is simple statistics.

Obviously there is the chance that the domesticated giraffes are flavorless. I can’t imagine being gawked at by chubby little kids zests up the blood much. If it did, clowns would be positively delicious, and as we all know from the testimony of cannibals, clowns taste funny. Still, there are plenty of giraffes out there in the wild. Surely an adventurous vampire would have given one a try. Unless there are no vampires in sub-Saharan Africa. I can’t imagine that being the case, though. Again, that’s a big territory.

Then it hit me. Of course there are no vampire giraffes. The savanna is all plains. Where would they go when the sun came up. Coffins? Could you imagine what a giraffe coffin would look like? Nope. My guess is that there are plenty of aboriginal vampires partaking of the veritable feast that is the giraffe, then come day break the hapless creatures turn to ash. Furthermore, while it isn’t a terribly pronounced neck, the elephant’s neck isn’t exactly small. AND elephants have more blood, so the thrifty vampire on the go would probably take a nip off of an elephant just for the value. And then what? The sun comes up, poof, elephant bones. All of those elephant graveyards they are so impressed by are probably just the backyard of a Transvaal vampire. Mystery solved.

Around this time the next now came along and I started ruminating on the nature of knuckles, and just what qualifies as a knuckle, but that is a subject for another time. I hope that these revelations about vampires are of use to you in your everyday life. I do so strive to better the world though may hypotheses in regards to fictional entities and wild animals interacting in a modern context. I also strive to avoid working, and that’s really what this was all about.


About Decoychunk

Editor, Writer, and general Knower-Of-Words, if there is text to be read on BrainLazy, Joseph Lallo probably has his fingerprints on it. As the final third of the ownership and foundation of BrainLazy, Joseph “Jo” Lallo made a name for himself when he lost the “e” from his nickname in an arm wrestling match with a witch doctor. Residing in the arid lowlands of the American Southwest, Joseph Lallo is a small, herbivorous, rabbit-like creature with the horns of an antelope. He sleeps belly up, and his milk can be used for medicinal purposes. Joseph Lallo is also author of several books, including The Book of Deacon Series, book 1 of which is available for free here.