Unwanted Testimonials

Exlax
“Everybody loves a good turd, am I right? I mean, I sure do. So when you can’t turd, life just isn’t as good. Thank goodness for Exlax. I took some of this stuff and KABLAMMO. Turds like you wouldn’t believe. I got it on the WALL for crying out loud. It solved my problem and then some. And talk about fast! Holy Moley, I kid you not, it was like “Gulp, Splat!” That quick! This thing made me turd so quick it actually caught me by surprise. And let me tell you, it was like a fire hose. My neighbor called the cops. So, in conclusion, if you take this stuff, you’re gonna make a mess.”
Febreeze
“Like many of you, I do a lot of stink stuff. I mean a whole lot. I have this pair of underwear that I wear in the sauna. Needless to say after a good schvitz they smell like Andre the Giant’s belly button. Couple that with the fact that I refuse to kneel before the tyranny of the toilet paper companies and you’ve got what I like to call “The Death Stench.” Now I used to try to boil the smell away, but that just made the whole apartment smell like some unholy crotch fart stew. Plus, it makes my pasta taste funny. After I got evicted from my third apartment, I thought all hope was lost. Then came febreeze. A few squirts of this stuff and where once was the aroma of rotting buffalo is only the refreshing scent of chemicals. Thanks to you, febreeze, I can step outdoors in my rancid skivvies and be arrested for indecency, not endangering public health.”
Listerine
“I know what you’re thinking. Her goes a guy with bad breath singing the praises of mouthwash. Well you are wrong! I like Listerine for its cool, refreshing taste, and high alcohol content. See, I am an alcoholic and after a recent intervention, I agreed never to drink again. Now, I am a man of my word, but I’m also an alcoholic! I needed booze like a raccoon needs a thunderstorm… did that make sense? I have to admit I am a little dizzy after that third Listerini. That’s what I’ve named my new favorite cocktail. It is a blend of Listerine and Green Nyquil with an olive for garnish. It is way better than my last concoction. If anyone ever asks you if Robitusin and Scope mix, the answer is no. I had to rim the glass with crushed up Tylenol PM to make it tolerable. But ever since my bartender clued me in to Listerine, I am a new man. Now I can keep my promise and stay loaded 24/7. Thanks, Listerine.”
Wilson Tennis Rackets
“I’ve got one sticking out of my butt right now. It’s great.”

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About Decoychunk

Editor, Writer, and general Knower-Of-Words, if there is text to be read on BrainLazy, Joseph Lallo probably has his fingerprints on it. As the final third of the ownership and foundation of BrainLazy, Joseph “Jo” Lallo made a name for himself when he lost the “e” from his nickname in an arm wrestling match with a witch doctor. Residing in the arid lowlands of the American Southwest, Joseph Lallo is a small, herbivorous, rabbit-like creature with the horns of an antelope. He sleeps belly up, and his milk can be used for medicinal purposes. Joseph Lallo is also author of several books, including The Book of Deacon Series, book 1 of which is available for free here.