Twilight

I don’t know anything about Twilight. I’m not prejudiced against it or anything like that. It is just that my daily commute is only an hour by train each way, and I’ve only just finished the Discworld series. I’ve got a whole library of literature piled up before I even get close to the vampire section of the Barnes and Noble. This, lamentably, means that all I know about the Twilight saga I have learned from media and internet trolls. Admittedly these are not the most reliable sources, but after running all that I’ve heard through the B.S. Filter, the information I’ve been able to determine that I trust to be at least mostly accurate is as follows:
-It has vampires that are emo teenaged boys.
-These vampires sparkle.
-Women lust over said vampires. (Both in and out of the book.)
-That isn’t very much to go on, but I think that we can learn a great deal about the direction society is heading from these three bullet points. Let’s analyze, shall we?

The main thing is the almost bizarre devotion that the women of the world are showing. You would be hard-pressed to find a woman between the ages of 12 and 50 who hasn’t at least got a crush on one of these vampires. This makes me happy. Why? Because I love when the fringes of society suddenly become mainstream, and trust me, we are talking the very most outsider of stuff here. The veritable tassel on the edge of the universe. You see, vampires are undead. That is to say, not alive. And there are huge swaths of the female populous that range from having a schoolyard crush to full on ?when I think about you I touch myself? degree lust. We have a name for people who want to sleep with dead people. Necrophiliacs. You don’t even hear about that stuff on CSI, and now every high school and book club in America is full of them. Neat!

Some of you out there might balk at this classification, leaning hard on the ?un? part of undead. That’s fair, but think about it this way. Imagine a living thing as food. Imagine death as that food being eaten. That would make a vampire equivalent to vomit. Granted, they don’t look that bad. Death has been fairly kind to them, but it doesn’t change what they are. I once saw a guy puke up a perfectly intact grape, pristine and untouched. The fact that it still looked okay didn’t make it any more appetizing to me, though, because like vampires, it had gone through a process that rendered it fundamentally unappetizing and unappealing.*

But necrophilia isn’t the only off the wall fetish we have here. Vampires drink blood, after all. At least most vampires in media do. I guess Twilight’s sparkly emo (or sparkleemo) style vampires might not, but let us assume for a moment that they do. That means you are lusting after a dead cannibal.** This isn’t just a fetish, now. It is a very specific one. All the more intriguing that it would be so widespread. Add to that the large percentage of Twilight followers who are older than 18 and the fact that the object of their lust has at least the appearance of a person under 18 and you can toss pedophilia in there too.*** I seem to have glimpsed a werewolf in the trailer for one of the movies, so probably at least some of the fans are trending toward technical bestiality as well. What a treasure trove of gateway perversions this book series is proving to be, eh? I haven’t found any way to assign any deeper meaning to that whole sparkling thing yet, but give me some time. I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Let me conclude by reiterating that I don’t particularly care what people read, and I am by no means anti-Twilight. What entertains me most is that evidently the author is a Mormon, which is exactly the sort of person I would have expected to be vehemently against the whole concept of passion directed toward the undead. Then again, the religious fundamentalists who would have such a book banned are probably ignoring the fact that the most widely circulated book positively portraying the drinking of blood and the worship of creatures that rose from the dead isn’t the Twilight saga. No, sir. That honor goes to The Bible. Ooooo. Edgy.

* You may at this point accuse me of having a double standard, since you bet your butt I would lust after a smoking hot female vampire, but you’d be wrong. Not about the lusting, about the double standard. I’m fully willing to admit that drooling over the brides of Dracula is an act of technical necrophilia.
**Since they drink blood exclusively, they could more correctly be called hematophages, but lets not split hairs.
***I would just like to point out that the autocomplete in openoffice came up with pedophilia alarmingly quickly. Also, by the end of this sentence I will have used the word pedophilia three times in this article, which almost certainly has put me on a government watch list. Hi, FBI!

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About Decoychunk

Editor, Writer, and general Knower-Of-Words, if there is text to be read on BrainLazy, Joseph Lallo probably has his fingerprints on it. As the final third of the ownership and foundation of BrainLazy, Joseph “Jo” Lallo made a name for himself when he lost the “e” from his nickname in an arm wrestling match with a witch doctor. Residing in the arid lowlands of the American Southwest, Joseph Lallo is a small, herbivorous, rabbit-like creature with the horns of an antelope. He sleeps belly up, and his milk can be used for medicinal purposes. Joseph Lallo is also author of several books, including The Book of Deacon Series, book 1 of which is available for free here.