The Simmons Threshold

As I have stated far too frequently in the past, I am an engineer. Not only that, but several of my friends are engineers. If you have the good fortune, or misfortune, to know any engineers, you will quickly find that one thing we love is measurements. We care about specifications, tolerances, and various other things that we will subsequently ignore in our efforts to build things out of what he have lying around. It is therefore confounding when you run into something for which there is no unit of measure. However, there is another thing central to being an engineer. When we see a problem, we fix it. Thus, I have devoted some time to the crucial problem of assigning arbitrary measures to abstract things, thus giving our world form. No need to thank me. It is all part of being a geek.

Feeling Good

One of the the most frequent questions uttered in modern society is "How are you?" (It is right behind "What time is it?" and right ahead of "What the hell were you thinking!?") It is thus absurd that we can only answer in relative terms. Pretty Good. Good. Not so good. Bad. These give an approximation of your Feel-Good-edness, but what if you want to be exact? Well, I have developed a scale, The Simmons Scale ™. It is based upon one of the most consistently ecstatic human beings in existence, Richard Simmons. James Brown was briefly considered, as he is an acknowledged authority on feeling good, but Simmons was seen to achieve a much higher average level of good feeling, thus permitting a more useful scale, as most people will average less than 1 Simmons. Let's take it for a test drive. The standard unit of measure will be the miliSimmons (mS). This is equivalent to one one thousandth the level of good feeling felt by Richard Simmons on average. Anything above 500 mS qualifies as Good. 750 mS and higher equates to Very Good. 900 mS is fantastic. At this point you are approaching 1000 mS, or 1 Simmons. This, which we have termed The Simmons Threshold, is the point at which you begin spontaneously dancing. Winning the lottery scores between 100 and 300 S. An orgasm will briefly spike you approximately into the 1000 S, or 1 kiloSimmons, range. Individuals consistently exceeding 2 kS should be sedated and placed under observation. The proper technique to accurately measure how good an individual feels is by round of applause, a method utilized by MCs and standup comics for years due to its immediate and reliable results.

Wrestling

I spent some time as a correspondent on a wrestling show, and thus I was forced to find some way to quantify certain aspects of Pro Wrestling. Arguments and debates would be endless unless we were able to find some way to measure how good a wrestler actually was. For this reason I developed the Malenko Scale. Dean Malenko, the so called man of a thousand holds. This lends it self once again to the standard unit of the miliMalenko (mM), equivalent to being a man of a single hold. Remarkably, most wrestlers get by on fewer that 100 mM. Now, for the more important attribute, Wrestling Awesomeness, we need look no further than the Hogan. This has actually been the standard measurement of Wrestling Awesomeness since the mid 80s, and for most of that time values greater than 800 mH were seldom achieved. Marty Janetti, for example, scores exactly 500 mH. Doink the clown peaked at nearly 950mH. IRS was a 135mH wrestler. Then came a wrestler known as Triple H. Viewers have been baffled by this man's level of success, but we here at Brainlazy have cracked the code. Triple H is not his name, you see, but his Wrestling Awesomeness ranking. He scores an astounding 3 Hogans! This is the highest value observed in nature, and is now the theorized maximum. Fortunately, a grant has been issued to fund a scientific exploration into the possibility of exceeding this value by using a particle accelerator to launch The Macho Man at The Rock. We eagerly await their findings, which will be aired live on Pay Per View.

Awesomeness

Roughly at the turn of the millennium there was a sharp increase in the amount of awesomeness in media and reality in general. It is thus only fitting that we develop a scale to measure this as well. The Unit of Measure is the Dew, named for Mountain Dew, which if the commercials can believed is as near to liquid awesomeness as humanity has yet achieved. In order to achieve some level of universal understanding, we are going to base the scale on a historic example. King Kong = 1 Dew. Now, just to be clear, this is King Kong, in chains, in the theater. King Kong fighting the T-Rex is closer to 2 Dews, and King Kong holding a woman while swatting at airplanes from atop the empire state building is nearly 4. Awesomeness ratings are frequently applied to situations or scenes in films. For example, the last scene in the recent A-Team trailer, in which Faceman shoots down a jet with the mounted machine gun on a parachuting tank, scores a solid 3 Dews. Ninjas, Monkeys, Pirates, Zombies, and Robots are each good for .7 Dews, and the effect is cummulative. Jack the Monkey from Pirates of the Carribean thus scores a 2.1 for being a zombie monkey pirate, and Dr. Kroenen from Hellboy scores about a 2.4 Dews (2.1 for being a Zombie Ninja Robot, plus .3 for being a Nazi villian.) The formula becomes somewhat complex, particularly when dealing with groups. Two Ninjas, while more awesome than 1, aren't nearly as awesome as 1 Monkey Ninja. Research is on going as to how to best define the Law of the Conservation of Awesome, which is responsible for this Awesomeness dilution in larger groups.

The Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is the ultimate elevation of any unit of measure. Whereas 1000 Dews is a kiloDew, and 1,000,000 Dews is a megaDew, Infinity dews is a CnD (Chuck Norris Dew). These events, like Total Solar Eclipses and Comets, are exceedingly rare celestial events, but there are a few in recorded history. When Chuck Norris was a special guest enforcer for at a WWF event, he achieved 1 CnH, for instance. Though it is tempting to hope for more such events, we should be thankful that they are so rare. Also like comets, though beautiful and amazing, they could easily destroy the world.

I hope these new tools for measuring the world around you prove useful in your everyday life. If you have any thoughts on other necessary units of measure, or ways to better calibrate, refine, and define our scales, then by all means, join up and let us know.

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About Decoychunk

Editor, Writer, and general Knower-Of-Words, if there is text to be read on BrainLazy, Joseph Lallo probably has his fingerprints on it. As the final third of the ownership and foundation of BrainLazy, Joseph “Jo” Lallo made a name for himself when he lost the “e” from his nickname in an arm wrestling match with a witch doctor. Residing in the arid lowlands of the American Southwest, Joseph Lallo is a small, herbivorous, rabbit-like creature with the horns of an antelope. He sleeps belly up, and his milk can be used for medicinal purposes. Joseph Lallo is also author of several books, including The Book of Deacon Series, book 1 of which is available for free here.