Imagine you’ve just hit your thumb with a hammer. There are a few things you are likely to do. Probably you’ll want to punish the hammer. There will be much jumping about, followed by giving your thumb your complete and undivided attention. And, of course, you’ll say some very specific, very profane words, very loudly. This happens automatically. Your brain doesn’t even consult you. Why does it happen? I’ll give you a hint… my body is an engine, and it runs on pain.
We’ll begin by saying that this actually works. It has been proven on Mythbusters, the only source that really matters, that cursing increases your pain tolerance. And that shouldn’t be a surprise. Usually when the body does something without asking you first, it is something that needs to be done. Yanking your hand off of a hot stove, for instance. Or punching a clown in the face. You don’t think about it, you just do it, and you are better off. Thus the impulse to fire off filthy words as a reaction to minor injury is good and natural, so don’t be shy to let ‘er rip. We aren’t here to discuss whether it should happen, or whether you should DO it. All we want to know is why it works so well, and I’ve got a pretty solid theory.
Pain is bad. Curses are bad words. You say curses to people who you want bad things to happen to. Clearly there is a link between profanity and agony. Dare I say, there is more than a link. Expletives may indeed BE pain. Follow my logic. First, you hurt yourself. This creates pain. The pain rattles around inside of you, building pain pressure. You curse, thus providing an avenue of escape for the pain. Thus, the pain diminishes. The fact that you involuntarily jump around fits into this theory as well. In a steam engine, steam pressure is used to do work, so naturally the excess pain pressure will get used up when you start gyrating like an electrocuted monkey. Thus it is proven that the human body is, in fact, a pain engine… Something that Chuck Norris has known for years. Incidentally, Pain Engine is the name of my old death metal group.
Now that we know this, there are things about the human race that make a whole lot more sense. No Pain, No Gain, for instance. Well of COURSE you need pain to gain anything, your body RUNS on it. It also explains why painkillers tend to be destructive to the body if abused. By killing pain you are destroying the body’s power source, so you start to screw yourself up. Have you ever had trouble waking someone up? What do you do when things get desperate? You slap them in the face. The slap causes pain, thus giving the body the fuel it needs to get moving again. All of the pieces fit. This also explains why “walking it off” works so well. You are turning that built up pain into work. This might also be why you get heartburn and indigestion when you eat too much. Since we eat food to get energy to work, and it has been revealed that pain is the mechanism that we use to perform work, then too much food is too much pain. Simple. In theory doing a belly dance would thus spill off the excess pain and cure your indigestion. Must test this theory next time I eat an entire meat lover’s pizza. Man, I love gluttony for science.
Having solved another mystery of the universe, I think it is safe to call it quits for today. No need to thank me, it is just what I do. If you have any other questions about how the world works and why it works that way, be sure to drop us a line. I am full of knowledge and insight, and when I don’t know things, I just make them up. If you need me, I’ll be outside the box. That’s where I do most of my thinking.