Stream of Consciousness 5: This IS The Fifth One, Right?

That beeping noise that hospitals use is getting old. I mean really, even in movies in the future they still use that same beep. They should use something cooler. Like a harmonica. Just put the harmonica on their mouth and you’ll know if they’re breathing. Intensive care wards would sound hilarious. And imagine when someone has a seizure. Record that and you’ve got the next Blues Traveler single. Blues Traveler. Are they still together? That’s the one with the really fat singer. Or did he lose weight? Stomach staples. Who came up with that idea? Who looked at their bloated gut, and thought, “You know what would solve this? Office Supplies.” Were staples the first things he tried? Is there someone out there with stomach manila envelope? Is manila a color, or just the place where the envelope are made? You’d think the anti-trust people would be all over Manila at this point. Lousy people from the Philippines, cornering the big yellow envelope market.

My foot hurts. How could only one foot hurt? I use them both equally. It isn’t like I just hopped around for a few hours without noticing. And if I did, surely someone would have told me. Then again maybe not. You see someone skipping or hopping, you generally assume they are doing it on purpose. I mean look at kids. They seem to have their crap together, and they skip and hop all of the time. I heard that eagles get so big they can carry kids off. I wonder why that doesn’t happen more often. If I was an eagle I’d be dropping kids all of the time. From really high up. Onto turtles. You know, to crack them open. The turtles, not the kids. Though I guess it would probably crack them both open. That’s called efficiency.

Wasn’t there a Greek guy who died when an eagle dropped a turtle on his bald head? It sure is lucky that eagles never figured out they could kill people with turtles on purpose. Though one would imagine they’d run out of turtles pretty quick. I don’t think I’ve seen a single turtle in nature, come to think of it. For all I know they are functionally extinct. Eh, who cares, right? It isn’t like they fill any sort of natural niche. Except for killing bald Greeks apparently. They had some ideas. At some point a Greek said, “Okay, let’s make meatloaf, only we’ll stick it on a wooden pole and spin it around over the fire… no, not that way. SIDEWAYS! Then we’ll pour this sour milk on it, and some cucumbers, and wrap it up in this bread that didn’t rise. People will LOVE me for this! I’LL BE A HERO!” Man… I spend too much time speculating on what inventors were thinking…


About Decoychunk

Editor, Writer, and general Knower-Of-Words, if there is text to be read on BrainLazy, Joseph Lallo probably has his fingerprints on it. As the final third of the ownership and foundation of BrainLazy, Joseph “Jo” Lallo made a name for himself when he lost the “e” from his nickname in an arm wrestling match with a witch doctor. Residing in the arid lowlands of the American Southwest, Joseph Lallo is a small, herbivorous, rabbit-like creature with the horns of an antelope. He sleeps belly up, and his milk can be used for medicinal purposes. Joseph Lallo is also author of several books, including The Book of Deacon Series, book 1 of which is available for free here.