San Francisco recently decided that they had no other choice but to outlaw the happy meal. Now, the Happy Meal has a special place in my heart (Right next to the cholesterol deposits), so this news sent me in a few different directions. Rather than simply pick one and hone it into something worthwhile – you know, the way a professional would do – I decided to take two half ideas and mush them together. So now, for your enjoyment, the twin Happy Meal rants of Decoychunk.
The Road to Good Health
Everyone is trying to lose weight these days. That’s partially because everyone is obese these days. Well, speaking as a man who lost 150 lbs and according to the numbers is STILL obese, let me say that I’ve learned a thing or two about what it takes to be healthy. Don’t listen to these people who tell you things about carbs and protein and the zone and all of that nonsense. All you really need to know is this: The secret to weight loss is unhappiness.
This is hardly a bold statement. Why do we eat food that is bad for us? Because it tastes good. And why do we eat food that tastes good? Because it makes us happy. Thus, happiness is bad for us. This leads to the obvious conclusion that unhappiness is good for us. All you have to do to be healthy is to stop doing the things that make you happy. That comfy chair calling out to you after a long day at work? Don’t sit in it. Your feet hurt after too much walking? Get back out there, you’re doing something right. There is plenty of evidence to support this theory. Think of the “emo” stereotype. These people are perpetually depressed, dressed in gloomy colors, and RAIL THIN! Homeless people? Generally unhappy, generally thin. The list goes on, and people are starting to catch on.
In light of the realization that happiness makes you fat, San Franscisco has begun to take the necessary steps to fight child obesity by stamping out childhood joy. First step, remove the toy from the standard happy meal. This was an obvious target. I mean, it has happy right in the name. We can’t let our kids be delighted by cheap toys and tasty food! Once the happy meal has been abolished, I say they eliminate trick or treating. Dressing up and visiting the neighbors to get candy? That creates FAR too many cherished memories to be healthy. Christmas, Hanukka, birthdays, and any other gift giving occasion should go, too. The goal here is to get our kids as near to suicide as possible without actually going through with it. Only then will they be as healthy as they can be.
More San Fran Legislation
Not too long ago, San Francisco made a landmark decision, blocking our children from one of the biggest foes known to the cause of healthy living: Toys. Yes, in an attempt to make unhealthy foods less appealing to kids, San Francisco has outlawed the happy meal. Oh, sure, they steeped it in legalese and loopholes, giving calorie limitations and fat content maximums, but the happy meal as we know it is dead there. Some would say that San Francisco has gone too far. I say bravo. In fact, I’ve got some suggestions for future legislation.
California has already made smoking indoors basically illegal. That has thus removed one major cancer risk, but it ignores a far greater one. Sun light. Think about it. These people are being forced to stand outside if they want to smoke, all the while being bathed in dangerous UV rays. Not only that, but while there is an age limit on smoking, children are freely permitted to frolic in what is little more than the glow of an exposed nuclear reactor. I say that children not be allowed in the sun until they are old enough to know the risks. And even after that, there needs to be some way to protect people from being foolish enough to spend too much time in the sun. Perhaps mandatory limits on sun exposure? Or a sunlight tax? We’ve started taxing tanning salons, so that’s a good start.
Speaking of taxing dangerous things, there is something else I think we ought to tax: gravity. This is a terribly dangerous force. Mud slides and avalanches are caused by gravity, and dozens of people use gravity each year to commit suicide. The time has come to tax people who use gravity irresponsibly. Sky divers, bungie jumpers, roller coaster riders, and all of the people like them. These people are endangering their lives, and they are too stupid to be trusted to act in their own best interest, so we must force them. Plus, this will help with the obesity problem, too. Why? Because fat people use more gravity than thin people, so if we tax gravity, there will be an economic motivator to lose weight.
I could go on like this all day, but San Francisco is probably going to take a few weeks to get the ball rolling on the gravity and sunlight legislation. It is worth it, though. The American public isn’t smart enough to be allowed to have options that could be used in excess to do personal harm. The only way to make people safe is to remove options, or make them more obviously detrimental. Freedom and choice are dangerous, because they create the opportunity to make mistakes. So good work, San Fran. Keep fighting the good fight against terrible, terrible liberty.
Right, so that’s me freaking out about people in a city I’ve never been to taking the toy out of certain versions of a meal that I haven’t eaten in twenty years. Health Care? Abortion? Gay Marriage? Not a peep out of me. Hot Wheels/Barbie no longer accompanying a burger and fries? OUTRAGE. Yes, I need to adjust my priorities. But that’s it for today. Hope you enjoyed it.