Math was my minor in college, and to tell you the truth, I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to use it in real life. Particularly theorems and proofs. For those of you not familiar with this particular form of torture, theorems and proofs are problems where you take things you already know and chop them up and cram them together to try to prove something you made up. It is essentially a highly refined form of BS artistry. At any rate, I was desperate to convince myself that all of those endless drills of Theorems and Proofs had not been a tremendous waste of time. In other words, I was desperate to lie to myself. Finally I decided to apply them to proverbs and see what I could learn. The results were enlightening. Here are but a few.

**Theorem 1:** Poor people are good.

**Proof:** Money is the root of all evil. Poor people have little or no money, therefore, poor people have little or no evil.

**Theorem 2:** Stupid people are good.

**Proof 1:** Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. By extension, lack of knowledge does not corrupt. Stupid people lack knowledge, and thus are not corrupt.

**Proof 2:** A fool and his money are soon parted. That means that stupid people are poor people. See Theorem 1.

**Theorem 3 :** Evil is good for your health.

**Proof 1:** Time is money. Money is the root of all evil. Therefore, Time is evil. Time heals all wounds. Therefore evil heals all wounds.

**Proof 2:** Only the good die young. By extension, only the evil die old.

**Theorem 4:** A disciplined sleep schedule is unspeakably evil.

**Proof:** Early to bed, early to rise makes you healthy, wealthy, and wise. By Theorem 3, evil also makes you healthy. Wealth is caused my money, which is the root of all evil. Wisdom is knowledge, which is power, which corrupts.

So as you can see I have learned an awful lot thus far. Keep checking back, there are likely to be more developments as time goes on. I’ve got a few I’m working on right now. For instance, A picture is worth a thousand words, and actions speak louder than words, so how many actions are a picture worth? All we really know is that it is less than a thousand. More research is required there. Also, you can’t get blood from a stone, but blood is thicker than water. That implies you may be able to get water from a stone. Warrants further analysis. And feel free to make your own additions, Internet people!