Out of Context

This may come as a surprise to some of you out there, but my conversations tend to explore some… unusual concepts. Now, if you follow the entire thread of thinking, it tends to make sense. However, walk in in the middle, and you are likely to hear a sequence of words that no sane human being should ever put in that particular order. Whenever I identify one of those, I try to write it down, absent of context, to laugh at later. Well, thanks to a faulty flash drive, the scintillating and thought provoking sequel to my Vampire Giraffe Epic, Vampire’s of the Savanna, will not be appearing here. In its place, I present to you a list of these actual lines from actual conversations. Please try not to bruise your brain.

Stupid elevator can’t tell time!

My policy has always been this: As soon as someone gives you food, put it in your head, then leave the premises.

I think the pork gave me amnesia.

How do you grab your crotch while playing air guitar?

You can’t just order “that Chinese thing!” What if they bring you a panda?

Yeah! A [I]Crocodile[/I] Done Deal!

I bet if I lit my hair on fire right now, it would go up really quick.

Shinko puked because you won’t pry.

Freaking Ellipsis!

Think about it. Do we really need more than one kind of penguin?

A: What’s that smell?
B: Garcia’s computer farted.
A: And they can smell it in Spokane?
B: It’s the Internet.

My ear is the devil.

But then I’d have a dead gremlin in my head. It would attract rats!

So the first step to time travel is hitting babies with sledge hammers.

A wobbly katana? Brilliant!

So basically, we’re talking about a hobo Shangra La.

No, she’s dead, and I have her phone.

My head is getting sucked into a vortex.

Dogs don’t say FOFF.

And when they get dizzy and fall over I’ll steal their wallets.

Man.. this place is really smile.

Shirterize that my man!

The result is a long silence accompanied by a pained, cross eyed stare.

Captain, I’ve crapped by pants… yeah, I guess I know how he feels.

It is the “Bend over… how’s that feel” method of business.

Hey, the shades are up… oh man. I’m sorry eyes.

Well, that’s it for this week. Tune in next when I find yet another way to cop out and provide content that requires no creativity. Maybe I’ll just post a picture of my sink. Maybe I just post a video of me peeing my pants. Who knows, but I can tell you this, it won’t be funny.

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About Decoychunk

Editor, Writer, and general Knower-Of-Words, if there is text to be read on BrainLazy, Joseph Lallo probably has his fingerprints on it. As the final third of the ownership and foundation of BrainLazy, Joseph “Jo” Lallo made a name for himself when he lost the “e” from his nickname in an arm wrestling match with a witch doctor. Residing in the arid lowlands of the American Southwest, Joseph Lallo is a small, herbivorous, rabbit-like creature with the horns of an antelope. He sleeps belly up, and his milk can be used for medicinal purposes. Joseph Lallo is also author of several books, including The Book of Deacon Series, book 1 of which is available for free here.