Open Questions

I am a curious guy. Not just in the sense that I am unusual and warrant close study, but in the sense that I am constantly searching for information. Most of this data is available to me via research or asking people more knowledgeable than I. There are some questions, however, that require special attention. Maybe I don’t know any experts in the field. Maybe there AREN’T any experts in the field. Maybe it is more of an opinion. Whatever the reason, here’s a list of several such questions and my thoughts on them.

How do bald Jewish men keep the yarmulke on?
First off, yarmulke is the correct spelling for ?Yah-muh-kuh.? The little hats that Jewish people wear. It tookme a while to figure that one out. I knew a guy named Shmuel (sorry if I spelled it wrong, my Hebraic pal) and I learned that he kept his yarmulke on with hair pins. In the absence of hair, the only things I can think of are glue and sheer force of will. Barring for a moment the possibility of telekinetic Jews, I can foresee possible issues with the glue solution. I mean, cloven hoofed animals aren’t kosher, right? Some glue is made of hooves. Is Kosher glue a concern? I’ve yet to pluck up the courage to ask some of my Jewish friends for fear of having fewer Jewish friends after.

What is the opposite of distract?
Dis- is one of those prefixes that you slap on a word to make it the opposite. So if you want to say that something improves your focus rather than ruining it, do you just say it was tracting? I know it isn’t retracting, because thats something else. For that matter, a tract is something else too, isn’t it. Sort of a political or religious rant. So if someone is walking around with a rant written down, and you yank it out of their hands and set it on fire, you have distracted them in at least two ways. And if it was written on the back of a deed for a tract of land, you have distracted him in three ways!

If you clone yourself, then have sex with the clone, is it incest, or masturbation?
Obviously we are talking about a clone that’s the same age as you. I don’t want to appear to support scifi pedophilia. On the same subject, is it gay to have sex with your clone? I guess if it is incest, then it is gay, if it is masturbation, then it could go either way. I submit that sex with your clone is in fact suisexual, by the way. Or autosexual. Wait, I think that last one is when you like to hump cars… best to move on at this point.

Do all hardcore homophobes have long hair?
Follow me on this one. If they are seriously homophobic, they believe all of the stereotypes. That means they believe all hairdressers are gay. So they would avoid hairdressers, and they sure as heck wouldn’t cut their own hair. I mean, they wouldn’t just be cutting hair, they’d be cutting hair in their spare time. That’d be like… Extra gay to them. Ergo, long hair. Sure, they wouldn’t have an objection to female hair dressers, but I submit that they would still not go there. Why risk going where they hang out, right?

Well, that’s all for this week. A short little list of questions. Feel free to shout out any answers or opinions. Or maybe contribute your own questions for me to answer. I am told I am a fountain of knowledge. Well, a fountain of something, anyway.

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About Decoychunk

Editor, Writer, and general Knower-Of-Words, if there is text to be read on BrainLazy, Joseph Lallo probably has his fingerprints on it. As the final third of the ownership and foundation of BrainLazy, Joseph “Jo” Lallo made a name for himself when he lost the “e” from his nickname in an arm wrestling match with a witch doctor. Residing in the arid lowlands of the American Southwest, Joseph Lallo is a small, herbivorous, rabbit-like creature with the horns of an antelope. He sleeps belly up, and his milk can be used for medicinal purposes. Joseph Lallo is also author of several books, including The Book of Deacon Series, book 1 of which is available for free here.