Op Ed

Barbaro: A True Hero

I know I am not the only one who feels the world is a darker place with the loss of Barbaro. Who could help but be inspired by the against-all-odds victory of the Derby’s dark horse? Our inspiration only grew as we watched him heroically fight to recover from the crippling leg injury he sustained thereafter. I can take little solace in the fact that his pain is over, because I feel he had so much more to teach us.

Guy Smapaletti, Upton, Wisconsin

Barbaro: Meh.

Hero? HE WAS JUST A HORSE. We are supposed to be inspired by a horse? His brain is the size of a fist! He couldn’t even spell hero. Horses are to horse racing as Cars are to Car Racing. The vehicle in question. Are we supposed to be inspired by the cars? Does speed equal inspiration? Do you think he even wanted to run that race? He ran it because the guy ontop of him was kicking him. And he suffered for so long. Whoop-dee-doo. I’m sure Barbaro thought, “You know what? I may have broken my leg, but I’m gonna beat this thing.” Oh, wait, that would require higher brain function. What he actually must have thought was, “Food, food, food, sex, sex, sex, sleep, sleep, sex, poop, food.” The only reason he “heroically fought for so long” was because the owners wanted to squeeze every last drop of little Barbaro’s special sauce out as they could before offing him to make room for the next dumb animal. Plus, he was a horse, so you know he smelled bad.

Kent Treballo, Brooklyn, New York

Barbaro: A Saint

Barbaro wasn’t “just a horse.” He was a gentle, noble creature. He helped the cause of horse racing, for one. Not only that, but he was an avid anti-war activist. He counseled recent widows and their children. I’ll also have you know that he was on the verge of a breakthrough in his global climate research. Had he lived just a bit longer he could have saved us all from the ravages of global warming, but now we are doomed. Perhaps he could have finished if he had taken more time off from his puppy hospital, but he just couldn’t bear to see anything in pain. If he had any fault it was that he loved too much. Oh, and as for his odor, I’ll have you know that I have it on good authority that he smelled of naught but lilac and rainbows.

Guy Smapaletti, Upton, Wisconsin

Barbaro: Antichrist

You poor deluded fool. You bought into the propaganda. He wasn’t an anti-war activist. He just wanted to weaken US resolve in the middle east so that his Arabian brethren could run amok! And it is true that he counseled widows and their children. If by counseled you mean STRANGLED! And don’t be fooled by his so called Global Warming cure. He was the cause of global warming in the first place, back in 1981 when he used his laser eyes to cut a hole in the ozone layer. And that puppy hospital is a sham. The only reason he even cures the puppies is because he wants them good and healthy when he chucks them into the fuel tank of his puppy powered robot. He got a sexual trill from knowing that he was robbing them of full and healthy lives. In conclusion, I honestly don’t know how you could imagine his scent in anyway resembled flowers. I was never even in the same state as him and I could barely stand the smell. My only guess is that your brain lied to you to protect you from the destructive stench. That’s right, his stink inspires dishonesty.

Kent Treballo, Brooklyn, New York

Barbaro: Our Saviour

I have heard his voice and it has enlightened me. The being who in life was known as Barbaro has ascended to a form of pure beauty and light. It is from his tears that all knowledge springs. His flowing mane is the night sky, his dazzling eyes the sun. Each night in my dreams the magnificent stallion gives me his teachings, that I might bring light to the world with them. He has told me to smite the nonbelievers. The earth will be cleansed with the blood of the unrighteous. The time for repentance is passed. Now begins the age of hoof and ash. For some it is the end-time. For my fellow Barbarites, a grand and glorious beginning.

Guy Smapaletti, Upton, Wisconsin

Barbaro: Mankind’s Single Greatest Threat.

No time for pleasantries. I’ll lay it out, straight and plain. Barbaro’s death was a lie. The man responsible for putting him to sleep was found dead in his home, hoof prints clearly visible in the trampled remains. Written in blood on the wall was a statement that a simultaneous tactical nuclear on the capital of all industrialized countries was coming. It wasn’t a warning or a threat, it was a promise. Action must be taken now, lest the animal use its dark powers to raise a legion of the undead to attack our crippled cities. Unless a future of rule by cruel horse overlords is especially appealing to you, take up arms and strike before it is too late!

Kent Treballo, Brooklyn, New York

A Terrible Tragedy

Yesterday, two men were found dead. The first, a Mr. G. Smapaletti, had suffered multiple gunshot wounds, apparently inflicted by the second victim, Mr. K Treballo. Smapaletti was dressed in white robes and held a ceremonial dagger which was consistent with the stab wounds responsible for the death of Treballo. Treballo was in military fatigues and heavily armed. Friends of both men indicated that each had been increasingly obsessed with a deceased race horse. Treballo in particular believed that the horse was still alive and had sinister motives. This, of course, is laughable, and no one should give it a second thought.

Lt. Bob R. Rowe, Louisville, Kentucky

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About Decoychunk

Editor, Writer, and general Knower-Of-Words, if there is text to be read on BrainLazy, Joseph Lallo probably has his fingerprints on it. As the final third of the ownership and foundation of BrainLazy, Joseph “Jo” Lallo made a name for himself when he lost the “e” from his nickname in an arm wrestling match with a witch doctor. Residing in the arid lowlands of the American Southwest, Joseph Lallo is a small, herbivorous, rabbit-like creature with the horns of an antelope. He sleeps belly up, and his milk can be used for medicinal purposes. Joseph Lallo is also author of several books, including The Book of Deacon Series, book 1 of which is available for free here.