Evolution? No WAY
I been hearin’ ’bout this here new theory that man came from aminals. Hogwarsh, I say! My mother was a SAINT. She weren’t no ape like these ?scientists? would have me b’lieve. And my grandpappy? They say that he was prob’ly a reptile! The man is a veteran of three for’n wars! He fought to keep our country safe from all sorts of dangerous foreigners, like them Europeans and the Orientals, and what thanks does he get? Havin’ some SCIENTIST tell ‘im he’s a lizard. I see through the lies that these book learnin’ types is usin’ to white warsh their immoral and sickening idears. First, they say that our forefathers is aminals. Then they say, well, we might as well SLEEP with aminals! After all, they’re practic’ly family! Well I say, NO WAY! Ever’body knows that sleepin’ with a cousin or two is a normal part of every healthy American’s life, but preacher says bestiality is wrong! ‘Cept, o’ course, for sheep, and maybe the occasional cow, but I’d say that goes without sayin’. I mean, we ARE talking about them there domesticated type animals when we’s talkin’ ’bout livestock. But Monkeys is UGLY, and Lizards is even UGLIER, and WAY TOO LITTLE for that sort of thing. Jeez. And I thought scientists was s’posed to be SMART!
Junior Lumpkin, Jr, Fumblebuck, AK
The Sun, The Jerk
The sun is a JERK! Always hiding behind clouds. “Oh, I supply all of the energy on earth, meh, meh, meh!” WHAT ABOUT GEOTHERMAL? HUH? That’s created by pressure and gravitational compression. So EAT IT! Take your massive, thermonuclear butt and go cry to the crab nebula! We are sick of you and your spots. “They’re beauty marks!” B.S.! They are cool spots that prove you aren’t doing your job and they are messing up my cell reception! AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ABOUT ECLIPSES! People jump up and down. “Oh,Oh,Oh! Solar eclipse! Quick, get a piece of cardboard!” Meanwhile the moon is the one doing all of the work. You see, that’s the way it is with the sun. Sunset, sunrise. THE SUN ISN’T DOING SQUAT! The earth is turning! The only thing the sun does is exist. It isn’t particularly big, it isn’t particularly hot. The only thing remarkable about it is the mutant apes that live on the third piece of debris that orbits it! “The Sun” isn’t even it’s real name. It’s real name is Sol. Not so impressive now, is it? Sounds more like a guy that should be handing out kosher dills at a deli than the almighty life giver it builds itself up to be. The sun… feh! And if you still think the sun is this great and benevolent force, then why don’t you ask what he plans on doing in a few million years? First its gonna get really fat and eat the inner planets, including the ape infested one. Then it is going to burn off the atmospheres of the outer planes. Seriously, who does that? Finally, it will adopt the undignified position of WHITE DWARF! No supernova, no black hole. NOT EVEN A NEUTRON STAR! What a loser.
Dr. Thirston Shackelton, Stanford, CT
A Force That Must Be Stopped
There are many evils in the world. Drugs, Alcohol, Violence in Video Games. Certainly each of these is threatening our society in its own way. But one thing has slipped below the radar. That thing is gravity. Every time someone trips, every time someone drops something on the ground and breaks it, and every time a building collapses, gravity claims another victim. One would think that after all of the airplane crashes we would have seen the writing on the wall, but no. And then there are the cautionary tales like Armageddon and Deep Impact, frightening parable about the dangers of gravity. And yet it continues unchecked. Worse, our young people are being seduced by its dangerous allure. Sky diving? Bungie Jumping? Just different names for one deadly curse. Gravity addiction. These ?extreme? sports are nothing more than the needles through which these thrill seekers inject their precious gravity fix. Act now, my friends. Abolish the Law of Gravity. If not for your sake, then for the children, and the glassware.
Lester Worthington, Prestinville, MD