More Open Questions

Well, my mind has been wandering again. As always, if you give me a minute to myself, I'll come up with a question that would either get me slapped in the face or slapped in a straight jacket if I asked it. Fortunately the Internet is here to help me address my questions to a massive population of people quickly. Before the world wide web the only way to do that was to scream your questions in a crowded bus station, and you would be surprised how unhelpful the bus-going public can be.

Well, my mind has been wandering again. As always, if you give me a minute to myself, I’ll come up with a question that would either get me slapped in the face or slapped in a straight jacket if I asked it. Fortunately the Internet is here to help me address my questions to a massive population of people quickly. Before the world wide web the only way to do that was to scream your questions in a crowded bus station, and you would be surprised how unhelpful the bus-going public can be.

Do people with different skin colors have different color dandruff?

Call it a failing of society, but the only dandruff I ever get a really good look at is mine. (I’d actively search for other people’s dandruff, but I get enough strange looks already.) My skin is white, and so is my dandruff, which makes sense, because dandruff is dead skin. Logic would thus dictate that a person with black skin would have black flecks all over his or her shoulders, and our red skinned friends would look like they’d been sprinkled with paprika. If anyone can set me straight on this, let me know, because the best answer I’ve gotten so far was less than satisfying. I was told, “Probably it is all white. It is like polar bears. They don’t really have white hair, they have clear hair and it just looks white, so all people skin is probably clear on top, and it just looks white or black or whatever.” Not only is that merely hearsay and conjecture, it raises another question…

Are polar bears invisible?

Obviously we’ve all seen them… on TV. You know what else you can see on TV? The blink from the remote control. Infrared light. Both still cameras and video cameras these days would pic up a cloaked polar bear easily. I have been offered no credible evidence that polar bears actually exist. Plus, people say that the polar bears are disappearing. Maybe they aren’t. Maybe they’re just cloaked. I won’t be convinced that polar bears are visible until I see one in person. Sure I could go to a zoo, but that involves leaving the safety of my lair. Look, I’m not saying I want someone to bring me a polar bear. I’m just saying that if I were to find a tranquilized polar bear in my driveway I would leave a shiny new PAX East Hoodie Code in its place. Oh, and put a tarp over it, because, you know, invisible.

What is so fresh about lemons and pine trees?

Every air freshener in the world, until very recently, was either lemon or pine. Now, I’m not saying that lemons and pine smell bad, but what made them the default cover up smell? Picture this: It is Christmas, and you’ve just put up the tree, fresh from the outside. Suddenly the tree catches on fire. The only thing you have to put it out is lemonade. Now your house reeks of lemons and pine tree. Not only are you not going to have anything to cover up the smell, but anyone who smells it will think that you did something horrifically smelly and drenched the room with freshener to cover it up. The lemon and pine lobby have got your friends believing you have projectile diarrhea. No, we need something better, we need to find out…

Why no bacon air freshener?

Sure, it exists now but, seriously, this should have been first. My mom should have been covering up the funk of my diaper bin with the smokey, savory aroma of hickory smoked swine. In fact, screw the air freshener. Starting now I propose a new policy. You do something smelly, you make bacon! Call it penance for stinking up the joint. The only possible flaw in the plan is if bacon gives you the farts, which would lead to an endless cycle of bacon. But, come on, can anything that leads to a bacon Mobius strip really be a bad thing? Oh man… bacon mobius strip. I am SO making one.

That should be enough to satisfy my curiosity for a while. It is only a matter of time before there’s a delay on the subway, and a guy walks by with what looks like a slab of liver on the back of his head, and I start wondering about liver related scalp treatments. So if you have the answers to my questions, or if you have any questions of your own, be sure to leave a comment. I might toss you a Hoodie code, even if you don’t leave a polar bear.

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About Decoychunk

Editor, Writer, and general Knower-Of-Words, if there is text to be read on BrainLazy, Joseph Lallo probably has his fingerprints on it. As the final third of the ownership and foundation of BrainLazy, Joseph “Jo” Lallo made a name for himself when he lost the “e” from his nickname in an arm wrestling match with a witch doctor. Residing in the arid lowlands of the American Southwest, Joseph Lallo is a small, herbivorous, rabbit-like creature with the horns of an antelope. He sleeps belly up, and his milk can be used for medicinal purposes. Joseph Lallo is also author of several books, including The Book of Deacon Series, book 1 of which is available for free here.