You live, you learn. At least that’s what Alanis Morissette says, and she knows everything… Which I guess means she doesn’t learn anymore… Oh, wait! She doesn’t know the correct meaning of the word ironic, so she can learn that. Hey, am I the only one who thinks her name sounds like an easily injured muscle in the lower back? "You’ve got a slight tear in your Alanis Morissette." … Okay, we are off to a bad start. Start over.
I live, I learn. Everyday I pick up an exciting new tidbit that makes life a little easier. Unfortunately, this doesn’t seem to be the case for everyone. Take that Governor Sanford guy. Just in case he’s dropped off the face of the planet by the time you are reading this, which he almost certainly has, I’ll refresh your memory. He’s a politician who committed the now painfully passe act of cheating on his wife. To be fair though, points should be given for the fact that he did so with a woman in Argentina on Father’s Day with the cover story of nude hiking in the Appalachians. The man tried to put a fresh new twist on it, you’ve got to give him that. Then he confessed and the media exploded. Then MICHEAL JACKSON DIED! This naturally obliterated his paltry transgressions from the public radar. A man who had learned his lesson would have kept his mouth shut and thanked his lucky stars. I mean, the King of Pop died for his sins. That’s one heck of a windfall. Yet this guy confesses AGAIN! He’s either a glutton for punishment, a publicity hound, or a dope who doesn’t learn from his mistakes. For the purposes of this article, we’ll assume it is number three.
In the interest of public good I have decided to include below a few of the recent lessons I have learned. Hopefully this will enrich your life. I should point out that I didn’t learn all of these lessons first hand, so close friends may recognize themselves as the source of the day’s lesson. What fun!
1.You can open a banana by pinching the bottom and pulling it open.
2.The quickest way to set race and gender relations back fifty years is to play a game of Win, Lose, or Draw.
3.Cutting your toenails after a shower makes the whole process easier and less prone to blood loss.
4.Bragging about having a male anatomy while someone is sitting in front of you with their elbow at waist level is asking for trouble. (Hint: You will be hit in the balls.)
5.Tucking the laces inside your shoe after tying them helps keep them tied.
6.Explaining how painful learning lesson 4 is while standing over a recent recipient of said knowledge is a good way to receive an education of your own. (Hint: He will hit you in the balls.)
7.If you need to cut a bolt, screw a nut on first, then unscrew it after you cut, to take off the burrs and restore the thread.
8.Beware a person who casually quizzes you on the capital of Thailand. Sometimes Bangkok is a warning. (Hint. You will be hit in the balls.)
9.When shopping for furniture that must be below a certain height, measure that height and take note of a distinguishing part of your clothing at approximately that level, so that you can estimate simply by walking by.
10.When ball shots are being handed out, be in a different room, thus placing your balls out of range.
11.Safety glasses are the most important piece of safety equipment.
12.Pellet guns are deceitful things. Never attempt to demonstrate that it won’t fire. It will make a fool of you and perforate nearby onlookers. (Hint: Someone will be shot in the balls.)
13.Always keep some cardboard handy. It has a thousand uses.
14.A sausage casing full of relish is not an acceptable substitute for a pickle.
15.Inexpensive electrical standoffs can be made using nylon tubing cut to length.
16.You can get a good estimate of your true reaction time by standing on a chair under a ceiling fan and counting how many times it hits you before you manage to get your head out of harm’s way. (Three for me.)
17.If you want to make sure a propane grill is off, turn off the gas at the tank before you turn off the burners. If the burners go out, the gas is off.
18.Ducks will eat vomit if given the opportunity.
19.You can get a rough estimate of the temperature in Fahrenheit by doubling the Celsius temperature and adding 40.
20.If you want to straighten an electrical connector with your teeth, make sure to unplug it first.
Well, that’s it for this installment. I’ll probably write another one when I have more words of wisdom to impart. See you next time!