Think, just for a moment, about your favorite entertainment. Art, literature, sports, film, or anything else you like. Now think about the absolute worst person who makes a living at it. I know you have one. Everyone does. Someone so bad it isn’t even fun to hate them. This isn’t a therapeutic, jocular hatred I’m talking about. I’m talking about a burning, savage fury that eats a hole through your stomach. Someone who has done so much to hurt the thing you love by simply being a part of it that you wish he or she would drown in boiling acid. Right, do you have your symbol of inadequacy conjured to mind? Good. I want you to write that person a thank you letter, because it could be worse.
Impossible you say? You know Charlie Manson? You know the guy. Looks like a hobo, has a symbol of international fascism carved on his forehead, listens to the Beatles? He led a family/cult of criminal wackadoos who killed a bunch of people. I think we can all agree we would have been better off if he’d, you know, not done that. Then there’s Fidel Castro. He’s the fellow who has a big fuzzy beard, smokes cigars, and wears a lot of olive drab. He also happens to be the most enduring thorn in the side of capitalism and anticommunism the world has ever seen. There would have been at least one less missile crisis in history if he was otherwise occupied. Oh, and lets not forget Adolf Hitler. He was that German guy with the Charlie Chaplin mustache and bad hair that precipitated one of the bloodiest wars and most savage campaigns of genocide history has ever recorded. Maybe he would have been a slice more stable if he’d had something to keep his hands busy.
Some of you might see where I am heading here, but if not, I’ll explain. Charles Manson, prior to the criminal wackadoo portion of his life, tried out to be a member of The Monkees. They didn’t think he was good enough. That’s fine, he found a way to keep himself busy. Castro, in his more athletic years, was quite the baseball player. He tried out for the Pittsburgh Pirates, if memory serves. They didn’t think he was good enough, so he found something else to do. Hitler was an artist, they say. He really wanted to make a living at it, but he was not quite good enough. He found a different hobby as well. It turns out history is filled with people like this. Heck, we don’t know the whole story on some people. Maybe Stalin was an aspiring racquetball player. Maybe Osama Bin Laden is a spurned lounge singer. Maybe every great evil in the world was born of a slight deficiency in their chosen activity.
Now think of that person again. The one that sucks so hard it hurts. Surely this person was right on the cusp of being turned away, but managed to squeak through. I don’t know about you, but I think each and every on of these is a crisis averted. Heck, for me, Uwe Boll is the main example of this. Here’s a guy who is, in my opinion, an exceptionally unskilled film maker. Each film he has produced has been a simultaneous disservice to the A and B list celebrities that he’s roped into them, the video games he’s optioned, and the studios he’s worked for. I’m not sure how he got Jason Statham and Ray Liotta to sign up for his latest pile of celluloid feces, but my heart bleeds for them. That said, keep up the good work, Uwe. Because as badly as you manage to stain the silver screen with your directorial misadventures, at least you aren’t on the world stage with your finger hovering over the launch button of a couple of nukes. It isn’t as though he isn’t teetering on the edge of sanity as it is. We are talking about a guy who challenged people who panned his films to a boxing match and pummeled them relentlessly. He’s German, keep in mind, and he’s named after a crop destroying weevil. That is bond villain material right there. If he ever buys a white Persian cat and an eye patch I say we go on permanent defcon 3 until a debonair secret agent squirts him through an airplane window, a witty retort echoing in his ears.
So let me just say, one last time, when you see someone stinking up your favorite thing, take a deep breath and relax. They may be ruining the thing you love, but without their consistent failed attempts at adequacy they might get bored, and then we’d have another serial killing dictator on our hands. And as for you employers, if you see a guy who isn’t quite up to snuff, but seems really charismatic and motivated, give him a chance. You never know if passing him over is what will make you an asterisk on a history book’s account of the generation’s most notorious war criminal. And as for you, out there, reading this. You may think I suck, and that’s fine, but keep in mind that if this website fails, I’ll have more time to work on my other hobby, biological weapons. Just something to think about.