News outlets of all kinds – be they websites, TV Shows, or some sort of mysterious ink-on-paper technology – are forever on the look out for breaking news. Everyone wants to be the first to report a story. Recently, Dio died. Several news sources jumped the gun and reported his death several hours before he actually died. In light of the revelation that you can report impending events rather than actual ones, let me be the first to offer these eventually breaking stories in no particular order.
Beloved Actor Jim Carrey Dead
After a sterling career that saw him rise from humble origins to being the highest paid comic actor in the world, Jim Carrey is no more. The rubber faced funny man will be fondly remembered for the handful of decent films clumped at the beginning of his career, as well as those scattered irregularly throughout the rest of his long and and painful decline. He will be missed.
Earth’s Sun Runs Out of Hydrogen Fuel
Longtime mainstay of Earth’s sky, the sun (Sol), has burned through nearly all of the available hydrogen in its mass. Scientists say that it will now enter the red giant phase, in which it will consume all of the inner planets, including Earth. Despite the fact that the planet and everything on it will be immersed in 100 million degree plasma, industry professionals still deny the validity of global warming fears.
All Hail Our New Master
Apple CEO Steve Jobs, after a long and storied career, has finally seized control of the US government. Under his rule the USA, newly christened “iMerica,” will replace its flag with the iconic apple logo and all schools, government agencies, and corporations will be forced to use Mac OSXXIV (Loin-O). Jobs addressed fears of global economic collapse caused by the replacement of all existing infrastructure with a largely incompatible OS by increasing the power on the iPod based mind control transmitters.
Sony Releases Playstation 5
The eagerly anticipated PS5 was released today. Sony claims that its revolutionary control system, based entirely on facial expressions, is the future of gaming and that any interface that still uses buttons is “stupid and old and anyone who would use it is gay.” When asked if their new control scheme is the result of an ongoing lawsuit with Microsoft, the Sony spokesperson threw down a smoke bomb and escaped through a skylight. This system is make-or-break for Sony, after the decision to revoke the capacity to play games on its PS4 left system owners with a bad taste in their mouths. Before the press left the room, a second spokesperson arrived to announce the Dual Shock5, adding that its buttons “are totally not gay.”
Universe Succumbs To Heat Death
Due to the irreversible effects of entropy, the universe has finally evenly distributed all of its heat energy across the whole of existence. With no further chance for energy transfer, no changes can ever again occur. Scientists could not be reached for comment, as the energy levels necessary to support normal life ceased to exist hundreds of thousands of years ago. In light of this literal end of the universe, Larry King claims he is considering retirement.
Well, I think that was suitably cruel to various individuals against whom I bear no actual ill will. If any of you out there have any scoops that we can be the first to announce, let us know. They needn’t be fake ones, or ones trillions of years in the future either. Actual, factual news is welcomed. So let us know, and we’ll tell the world… or at least the small subset of it that looks at this site.