There are certain things that are deeply encoded in our minds and bodies. Foremost among them, and for good reason, is the love of our children. Of COURSE we love our children. They are the next version of US! You revision 2. And thus it is imperative that you do everything in your power to make sure that this little duplicate grows up and produces you revision 3. I, however, don’t have children. And there is nothing in my genetic rule book that says I have to love someone ELSE’S kids.
Face it. Human babies are born useless. And they stay that way. For a REALLY long time. It doesn’t make sense. We have HALF as many legs as a horse, and yet a horse is walking minutes after birth. Humans take months! It can’t be that a horse is smarter than us, because you can fool a horse with a carrot on a stick. To do that to humans you need to use a metaphorical carrot and a metaphorical stick. You know, paychecks and promises of sex and all that. Infants are just lazy or unmotivated, and I find neither of those qualities cute… except in cats.
Speaking of cats, look at THEIR young ‘uns. Kittens are every bit as cute as babies and they are born ready to kick butt! They have needle sharp claws and want a piece of you immediately. Babies just make loud noises and bad smells. Basically, they are all of the worst parts of a cicada and a skunk. Except at least skunks only spray stench when they are threatened. Noisy stinkiness is the baby’s all-purpose reaction to any stimulus. Happy? Screech at the top of your lungs. Sad? Same thing, plus tears. Have to poop? Same thing, plus tears, plus poop. We got the short end of the stick with these offspring. I blame society. Literally, society.
If humans hadn’t banded together to form a society, we never would have been able to survive with such useless infantile forms. Horses can run at birth because they might HAVE to. Likewise for kittens and fighting. Within hours of birth, virtually every animal can contribute in SOME way to its own survival, but not our kids. I say that we need to take the evolutionary initiative. Let babies fend for themselves for the first few weeks. It will thin out the herd a little, sure, but we’ll be all the better for it. It builds character. Plus, let’s not forget that toughening up babies is the first step toward time travel.
Just in case it wasn’t already clear by now, I’m not so much a human being as I am a bitter husk filled with cynicism and irritability. How else could I go on an insane rant on virtually any and all topics with such regularity? Most people wait until they are old before becoming a curmudgeon, but I say never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Thus, I am upgrading my attitude from surly to cantankerous. Expect more diatribes on all things cute and adorable. Also, I’m thinking of adding the phrase “whipper-snapper” to may daily vocabulary. It’s gonna be great.