Flowers

Flowers are just a terrible idea. At least the way that we, the human race, use them. First of all, for those who don’t know, the flower is the sexual organ of the plant. Yet here we are sticking our face in them, taking a great big whiff. I am all for admiring things for their beauty, but judging something by the aroma of its genitalia is a bit too strange for me. “Say, Dan, that is a fine dog you’ve got there.” “You think he looks good? You should smell his dangly bits.” Not only do we smell the actual flower, we process the flower to make a liquid to put on our bodies. “Do you like my perfume? It’s lilac!” “Lovely, do you like mine? It’s ape crotch!”

A further idiocy in the human response to flowers is the practice of giving flowers to the woman in your life. If she was at all familiar with metaphor, she would be outraged. “Here, I want you to have these flowers because they remind me of you. They are beautiful now, but soon the beauty will fade. In the near future, when they are withered and of no use to anyone, I will dispose of them and find newer, fresher flowers. Now how ’bout a kiss.”

Flowers also confound natural logic by going out of their way to be seen while it is simply common sense to seek the opposite. The only animals that are brightly colored are sex crazy birds and poisonous frogs.

Finally, there is honey. Let us look at honey for what it really is. A venomous insect travels into a field and crams its head into a plant’s groin. After sucking out the liquid contained within, the insect lets the juices digest for a while before vomiting them into a container made from its own secretions. Then you put it in your tea. Yummers! I personally think that honey is a conspiracy between the bees and the flowers. The bees tape us eating it on tiny little digital cameras and put them on tiny little DVDs to sell them in tiny little adult book stores, where tiny little perverts come in and buy them with tiny little money and sit in tiny little recliners in front of tiny little TVs while eating tiny little Cheetos with no tiny little pants on.

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About Decoychunk

Editor, Writer, and general Knower-Of-Words, if there is text to be read on BrainLazy, Joseph Lallo probably has his fingerprints on it. As the final third of the ownership and foundation of BrainLazy, Joseph “Jo” Lallo made a name for himself when he lost the “e” from his nickname in an arm wrestling match with a witch doctor. Residing in the arid lowlands of the American Southwest, Joseph Lallo is a small, herbivorous, rabbit-like creature with the horns of an antelope. He sleeps belly up, and his milk can be used for medicinal purposes. Joseph Lallo is also author of several books, including The Book of Deacon Series, book 1 of which is available for free here.