College is a business. There are no two ways about it. They are in it for the money. When you go to college, you are buying a product, education. However, college seems to be the only business where the consumer is trying to get less for their money. We cheat, skip class, ignore assignments. If we did this in any other business transaction, we would look like idiots. In college, however, the skill of getting less bang for the buck is practically admired. In order to illustrate the idiocy of what college students are doing, I will describe similar situations in the simplest of businesses, the restaurant.

The general college experience is equivalent to going to a fancy restaurant and ordering the lobster. However, rather than eating the food that you paid for, you pretend to eat it while the the waiter is looking. While he or she is off helping others, you find someone who is really hungry and let them eat your lobster for you. Finally, you show the waiter the empty lobster shell. He is satisfied that you ate until you were full, and gives you the check. You celebrate, throw your hat in the air, then walk away with an empty stomach, snickering about how well you ‘worked the system.’

Worse are the people who already know a subject backward and forward and decide to go to college anyway, only to complain about all of the ‘useless stuff’ they have to learn. This is roughly equivalent to eating bacon all day everyday, then going to a restaurant and ordering a BLT and complaining about the lettuce and tomato. Then, of course, there are those who buy a book and never open it, only to sell it back later. The equivalent to this would be buying the side order of caviar and then selling it to a bum on the street for a quarter. Let us not forget procrastination, which I have left for last. “Oh man, I just ate a 24 oz. Porterhouse in four minutes.” “Was it some kind of contest?” “No, I just sat there looking at it for five hours, then I realized they were about to close.”

In college, the student is hardly the only one with a skewed take on the whole business transaction. After all, college is the only business that will actually punish you for not getting the full value of your purchase. If restaurants worked like college, you would get kicked out for not finishing your burger. Then, if you wanted to eat somewhere else, they would make it harder for you to get a table, because you are known for not finishing your meals. Similarly, you can get kicked out for cheating. “Hey, did you eat a fry off of that guy’s plate? That’s it! You are both banished from my place of eating! OFF WITH YOU!” Here’s another good one. In college, you sometimes you can’t take a class you do want, unless you take a class you don’t want first. “Can I have a steak?” “No. You had shrimp cocktail. If you wanted steak, you should have ordered a salad.” “But… I am going to pay you for the steak.” “Not unless you pay us for a salad first.”


About Decoychunk

Editor, Writer, and general Knower-Of-Words, if there is text to be read on BrainLazy, Joseph Lallo probably has his fingerprints on it. As the final third of the ownership and foundation of BrainLazy, Joseph “Jo” Lallo made a name for himself when he lost the “e” from his nickname in an arm wrestling match with a witch doctor. Residing in the arid lowlands of the American Southwest, Joseph Lallo is a small, herbivorous, rabbit-like creature with the horns of an antelope. He sleeps belly up, and his milk can be used for medicinal purposes. Joseph Lallo is also author of several books, including The Book of Deacon Series, book 1 of which is available for free here.