BrainLazy has existed for a while, but it wasn’t until PAX East this year that we actually grew a beard and started pumping out consistent material. As part of that push, we got set up with Google Analytics to see if we could quantify our swift and steady decent into irrelevancy following our convention coverage. While we haven’t quite shriveled up and blown away as completely as I’d expected, I sure learned a lot of wacky stuff from Google’s data. From constructive ignorance to friendly Australians, let’s do it top 10 style.
10. People Love Stereotypes
A while back I wrote a piece called “Positive Stereotypes” in which I tried to make the world a better place by making up a bunch of generally good traits to assign to various nationalities and races. For some reason, we keep getting hits based on it. Some people are looking with a specific race in mind, others are looking for regional ones. Some liked the phrase “guess what, you’re racist.” All in all there is a greater call for this sort of constructive ignorance than I would have thought. I’ll probably revisit the topic at some point, so you can drop a comment or two if you want me to turn my patented healing racism on your culture.
9. Some Of Our Visitors are… Visitors
It doesn’t matter what aspect of analytics you are looking at, some tiny percent seems to be “not set.” OS? Not set. Resolution? Not Set. Location? Not set. Now maybe this is just because someone had a screwed up configuration file or something, but I chose to believe that we are getting visitors from outer space. For those of you extra terrestrials reading this, let me just set the record straight. I don’t know what you are looking for with all of that anal probing, but we are all pretty sick of it down here, so you can just cut it out.
8. Most Sites Our Size Are Dead
Google lets you look at benchmarks of your site versus similar sized sites. I’m not sure what they mean by similar sized sites, but I’m not fond of the comparison. Evidently most sites our size get an average of zero visits. Well, we’re infinity percent better than that, I guess. In all of the other areas we are fairly competitive, but considering we are dealing with sites with no visitors, that isn’t much to brag about. “BrainLazy: Marginally better than sites that don’t exist.”
7. Way Too Many Resolutions
I really didn’t think there was a whole lot of variety available in the realm of resolution, but boy was I wrong. We’ve got 231×216, which I think is a cell phone screen, all the way up to 2560×1600 which might be the Titantron. So, our thanks to Squinty McGee and Vince McMahon for their respective patronage.
6. My Self Esteem <= Our Traffic Count
This isn’t so much something about Google as it is an assessment of my mental health, but I find that my worth as a human being seems to fluctuate in precise harmony with the viewership of the site. The good news is that by reading this, you are directly contributing to my psychological well being. The bad news is that most of you aren’t reading this. So for all of you people out there who aren’t reading this, shame on you! I’m going to name my first ulcer after the approximately 7 billion of you.
5. Search Engines And Health Foods Are Alike
Just when I thought that the health food craze had crested, I find out that even search hits come in organic flavors too. From what I can tell, it actually has to do with whether or not the hit was via a sponsored or unsponsored link, but I’m going to assume that it mostly deals with how smug and superior the links make you look in comparison to what all of those other sheeple are putting in their bodies. I’m going to ask Google if they can switch me over to something with preservatives. I like my search hits with a little shelf life.
4. The Fourth Thing Is The Fourth Thing
This doesn’t have anything to do with Google either. See, it is my theory that no one ever reads number four on any top ten list, so I’m going just put a bunch of nonsense here and see if anyone notices. Lemons eat electric donkey grass on every third Friday during the year of the zebra. If seven uppercuts to the hierarchy don’t lubricate the pope’s children, purchase laser mops on Valintine’s Day. Crayons, when lodged in the moon, produce the happiest dreams of all. Vote for Stephanie.
3. Corporate Folks with Lazy Brains
We have gotten hit with traffic from some pretty major companies. Electronic Arts, Johnson & Johnson, New Jersey Institute of Technology, Northrop Grumman, Microsoft, Amazon, the list goes on. These are people who visited US! No wonder we are in the midst of a global economic collapse. The people making the world go ‘round are getting their game news and pointless rant fix from BrainLazy!
2. PR Firms Do Lots of Searching
When you are media, which apparently we are, you tend to get lots of contacts from people with products to push. That’s cool, since most of those products are pretty interesting and we are always looking for something good to write about. Sometimes they aren’t pushing their own products, they have been hired to push other people’s products. That’s cool too. It was through just such a contact that we set up a few of our interviews at PAX. Shortly afterwards we noticed that people were finding us based on those interviews. Neat! Then we looked at the source of this traffic, and it was the PR firm. Still neat, I guess, but less so. I mean, I’m glad they wanted to see how we did, but it feels more like they are checking return on investment, which makes me feel very insecure. Did I live up to their expectations? Gah! I can feel them judging me! It burns! IT BURNS!
1. A Fan In Australia
Google tries to pinpoint what cities you are getting traffic from, and imagine my surprise when, if you filter out all of the locations where we actually have staff, our biggest international following is in Sydney, Australia. In fact, though it is hard to get this level of data… It might just be one PERSON in Sydney. If you are reading this, Good on ya’, mate! Or if that is condescending, then please substitute the greeting or expression of gratitude and congratulation of your choice. If you join up, or otherwise get in touch with us via the contact info on the about page, we’ll toss you one of those PAX Avatar Hoodie Codes we are constantly hawking around here. Unless you don’t have Xbox Live, in which case… I guess you could give it to a friend, or an enemy, or trade it for sexual favors. At the very least we’ll say hello. As for what could have attracted the attention of an Australian? Well, I’m from Bayonne, so at least we share a bridge.